How Many Recounts Does it Take to Be President

By Jenny Tomkins

Because I've lived in Washington, D.C. for so long, my family back home consider me the expert on American politics. I'm called on often to arbitrate differences between uncles and aunts over how politics is conducted here and at home.

I always use the football analogy, it's easier for my family to understand. Politics in Australia is a contact sport, akin to a rousing game of rugby. It takes an hour. Only an hour. The team with the most points wins. End of story.

Australian elections tend to be that way too. The lead up to election day is short, there are fewer ads, mud slinging is an accepted form of debate and the party with the most votes wins and gets to pick the prime minister. We don't trust Australians to do that just yet. Of course there's preferential voting but I don't think America needs to hear about that right now, it could complicate their re-counting process.

Politics in America is a little different. It's like an endless game of "gridiron" or American football. Lots of stops and starts. It can take over four hours to play a one-hour game of American football. There are replays, more replays, challenges by coaches to referee rulings. Players grandstand. When they score a touchdown they do a little dance under the goal posts.

Rugby plays don't dance under goal posts.

So my Uncle Bob called last night. He had been speaking with my sister and they'd become really confused.

"So, they're counting the votes again in only four counties in Florida," Uncle Bob asked? "What's wrong with the other counties, how come no one wants to count their votes again."

"Well, those four counties reported 'anomalies' in their count, apparently there were some people who didn't punch their holes well enough," I tried to explain.

"What's a chad, and why do we care about it," Uncle Bob

"It's the little piece that comes out when you punch you hole, it's critical in this election, the entire country is hanging by a chad," I told him, afraid he'd hang up the phone.

"So the hanging chad is real, what happens if a chad is only partially hanging," he asked, sounding like he needed a beer.

"It's called a pregnant chad," I whispered.

There was silence, then my Uncle said "Your sister is worried that you've been drinking to much, are you ok?" he asked, sounding really concerned.

"I'm fine, honest, no one could make this up, life is truly more interesting than those soap operas you and Aunty Joan watch every day," I countered.

There was more silence as Uncle Bob tried to digest what I'd told him.

"So who's going to win and when will that happen," he asked.

I took a deep breath and tried to sound as intelligent as I could.

"I have no idea, who ever has the most hanging or pregnant chads," I said. "Hon

ey, you need to come back home for a visit, I think you've had too much America," said Uncle Bob before he hung up.

I was just getting over my Uncle's call when the phone rang again. It was my sister.

"What have you been doing to upset Uncle Bob, you know his gout is giving him hell," my sister asked.

"Trying to explain the elections," I said.

"Uncle Bob thinks your pregnant again, he's very upset, he thinks 45 is too old to have another baby," my sister said

I tried to change the subject. "How are the kids," I asked

"Well Jeremy got into trouble with his teacher yesterday, he took your earlier story to school for show and tell and was asked to read it out," my sister said.

"Oh how sweet," I said, bursting with pride.

"Well not so fast, he got to the bit about me sampling the Brown Brothers and his teacher, you know, the nun, stopped him in his tracks and sent a letter home inquiring about my health," my sister said, I think I detected a little irritation in her voice.

"Ooops, sorry, I will refrain from mentioning alcohol in any more stories, heaven forbid that Australians and alcohol should be linked together," I said, trying not to laugh.

"For the record, I was having a Bundy," my sister said before she hung up.

I returned to watching TV, it was exciting, Florida was on it's third hand count, Bush was ahead by only a few hanging chads but Gore's team remained hopeful that there were a few hundred hanging and pregnant chads that had been overlooked in the first two counts.

Jenny Tomkins
Washington DC
November 2000