How America Picks A President With Dimples

By Jenny Tomkins

Well it's been a week since I last spoke to my family in Australia and a lot has happened, politically speaking, in America. My sister called yesterday, wanting to know what I thought the Florida Supreme Court would decide when they announced their decision on hand counted votes was announced later that day.

"Well, I think they will rule in favor of George Bush, and therefore, I think Al Gore will concede, he just can't get enough dimples to make up the difference," I told her.

"You've become quite an expert," my sister said. I though she sounded proud of me.

Well history proved me wrong, yet again. The Judges ruled that those three counties in Florida had to include the hand counted votes. However, as with all legal decisions, one ruling opens the door to several hundred new law suits. This is American, let's not forget.

With great speed and legal agility, George Bush's spokespeople in Austin Texas, where's he's holed up in the mansion, surrounded by his Secret Service and several hundred reporters and hot dog vendors, rushed to the microphones to say that the Bush team was "pondering legal options."

Phew, thank goodness, I would hate to see all those lawyers starve.

Things got a little murky after that. It all became a blur.

I remember hearing about the validity of dimpled chads. Remember those little bits of paper left after those alert Florida voters punched their holes in their vote cards.

It appears that some counties think the "dimpled chads" are a valid vote, while other counties say, "no, wait, a dimple does not a vote make."

Another of my uncles called this morning. He's the patriarch of the family and it was obviously left up to him to call me and try to sort out what was happening in the most powerful country on the planet.

"Hi sweetie, how are you," Uncle Jack said as I answered the phone.

"I'm fine, a little confused but no more so than the rest of the country," I said, trying not to sound defensive.

"Your sister says you may be losing your political touch," he said. "What on earth is going on over there, I'm getting concerned that we here in Australia will have to take over the role of purveyor of peace in the Pacific if those yanks don't get their act together."

"Don't worry Uncle Jack, this is democracy in it's purest form," I said, hoping my sister didn't tell him I'd already used that line. "It looks like we're getting close to a decision, I think it will be the one with the most dimples," I said, trying to suppress a giggle.

I went on to explain the complicated legal process to Uncle Jack, who tried to keep up but finally interrupted me, sounding a little irritated.

"Geez, even the old diggers at my RSL club can manage to point the pen at the right darn candidate in our elections, what's wrong with those people in Florida," he said.

"I think it's a combination of too much sun, Disneyland and Jimmy Buffet," I said with a sigh. There's just no explaining to some people.

Jenny Tomkins

November 2000