Cher Dad and Dave,
I think you can help moi. I just read about the woman and the French man. I too met a man on the internet. I am Francoise from Toulouse. The man I met is in Melbourne in a place called Epping. I travelled to Australia to see him. He was just as I imagined, tall, blonde and interessant. He is cute but a strange lover. The sex it lasts very short time and he makes strange jokes about women and doonas. But he is so funny n'est ce pas.

This is la problem. He has no dishwasher. So he "does the dishes" - so quaint. But he counts the glasses before he puts them in the water and writes down the number. Say he puts six glasses in the water. When he dries them with the teatowel he counts them again to check that the number s the same.

He also counts during sex but I am too embarassed to say more.

He counts a lot. Is this normal for an australien?

Votre amie,
Claudette

Dear Claudette,
I'm afraid your Aussie man has OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER!!

Nothing wrong with that if you like him counting everything. The glasses are just the start. Don't be surprised if you hear behind the closed toilet door... "One, two, three, four", then a flush! He cant help it.

Now OCD sufferers are not typical of Australian lovers. Most Australian men last for hours in the cot, but for some reason, OCD takes its toll on a mans staying power - and - it will get worse the older he gets. Be prepared when he gets to his 40s, he may only get his underpants to his knees and.... sorry, its all over!

For some reason, the state of Victoria seems next best when it comes to weirdos. Tasmania is first, but then they have a reason - the whole states population is related to each other.

I strongly suggest my dear Mademoiselle that you seek a normal Australian man and let this poor chap continue to wash his dishes 'by hand'.

Hope this helps.
Dad (normal Australian male in all departments and quite prone to a bit of Froggy stuff!)

Dear Claudette,
I must say, you have done well for yourself - a man form Epping who can count, does the dishes and he is funny.

However, I am very afraid for you - I believe there is a woman who has just moved back from Paris to her beloved Geelong. The word on the grapevine is that her dishes are now sparkling, well counted, and that she is incredibly happy.

But fear not, because word also suggested there is a man in gay Paris who has two wonderful children. He is a little heartbroken, but understands that Geelong has a certain lure to it. I suggest you meet up with him - he may even have a dishwasher!

Dave

November 26th 2003

Fearless in Firenze

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am an Australian female and will be moving back to Italy at the beginning of next year. I lived in Florence from 1999-2002.

At the moment I am studying a Journalism degree and have almost finished a Diploma in Professional Writing and Editing. I hope to gain experience in these fields and therefore am wondering whether you require any writers for your website. I have a thorough knowledge of Italy and of course first hand experience on what it is like to make the move to a foreign country. I look forward to hearing from you in the near future.

Kind regards
Vanessa Cusumano

Dear Vanessa... bewdy...another sheila on the staff!
Be warned though, old Dad here has 3 sexual harassment complaints against him, not really for groping or anything like that, but I like them bookworm Librarian types (Writers included) and I guess none of them really did want to dress up in stilettoes, crimplene slacks, Dame Edna glasses and a Salvation Army hat!

Just a little note here too, our Boss's payrate sucks! She's a lovely woman and has the nicest set of norks in New York, but unless you are prepared to work for zip.... you might try elsewhere. Hope this helps.
Dad

Webmistress,
I am offended that you should send this on to Dad and Dave for answering.

I would like to refer you to Dad and Dave contract of employment. If you refer to section E, titled "Duties". Under subsection 3.2, it refers to giving advice on "lerve" matters. I do not believe answering a job application could be considered as a "lerve" matter.

Additionally, clause 15.9 in subsection 4.3 specifically rules out your suggestion that we "must provide answers on other matters as directed".

I have had considerable consultation with a Ms U. Duties of the "Australians Abroad writers and contributors works council", and she fully supports me on this matter. She did have a compromise position that if you were prepared to promote both Dad and Dave to salary grade 28, add an extra 2 pints a day to our subsidised bar tab, as well as decrease the standard level 28 extent of duties, we may be able to change the wording of section 3.2 to be "lerve and job application matters". Ms U. Duties was also concerned that you had not fully taken into account our qualifications (including Dads Doctorate in journalism)

I look forward to only receiving correspondence on lerve matters in future.

Dave P.S. Dad. I read what you wrote; so much for union solidarity. I know that your well honed creative juices need to flow, but next you will be breaking picket lines at a newspaper print mill in Wapping.

November 7th 2003

Cherchez L'homme

Dear Dad and Dave,
I am distraught. I need help NOW!!!!!!!

I met an French man over the net. He was charmant. I learned French and jazzed up my clothes and hotfooted it to gay Paree. He is indeed charming. He is also great in bed and rich. He's cute looking. He has a wonderful apartment.

However he has two NASTY NASTY enfants terrible. When Jean Pierre isn't around they pinch me and call me bad names in French. When he comes home they are angels. Their mother told me she won't take them weekends anymore as they are mean. They cut up her clothes and spied on her lover in the shower. They also check my bed linen for evidence of amour.

Should I go home to Geelong or stick it out with my homme?

Hmmmm, the question... to go home or homme?

Okay, heres a little tip. I lived in a defacto relationship for 8 years and the woman's boy had ADHD. The little bugger was an absolute mongrel and when after 8 years he was a big bugger - he was still a mongrel .... BUT.... he never used to give me any excrement. Why?

Remember in Crocodile Dundee, when Mick, Sue and that turd of a fiancee of hers were at dinner and when no one was looking, Mick snotted him??? There you go!

When your homme is away and the kids are being an absolute pain in the rectum, give them a bloody good clip under the ear (remember, it's your word against theirs and youse women are bloody good at conning us blokes!).

Do things like putting laxetives in their porridge, giving them vegemite, cheese and pickled onion sandwiches for lunch and putting gladwrap over the dunny bowl so they get their arses wet. In short, say through your actions... "Screw with me and your life is gonna be hell!"

And in a couple of months, you will be happy, the kids will be good to you - or they will have run away from home. Either way, you will have won!

Hope this helps, best of luck. Dad

The answer is staring you in the face - you said as much your last line "Should I go home to Geelong"

Let's do a bit of analysis of the two locations.

The Seine vs the Barwon. Not a contest - have you ever seen anyone row on the Seine? It doesn't even compare to the mighty Barwon. Could you imagine someone yelling out "Go Grammar" on the Seine? In your dreams!

Champs Elysee vs Ryrie street. What have those Parisians done recently to their street? Not a blinking thing. It still has flipping cobblestones. They don't even have coloured neon. Ryrie street on the other hand has just had 20 large ones spent on upgrading it. Tell me - who do you think is looking out for their future? It certainly isn't those Parisians!

Galleries Lafayette vs Dimmeys. Now tell me - would you prefer to blow a few hundred Euros on something, or a pineapple for the same thing at Dimmeys? This is only heading one way in terms of pure value for money.

The Paris plage vs Eastern Beach. Let me get this right. The Parisians truck in loads of sand, can't swim, and put it alongside their ludicrous excuse of a river, and have to pay if they want to sit down on their thin strip of sand. Meanwhile Geelong has a waterfront about 200 metres from the main street, including sand. We won't even talk about the 150 large ones spent on updating one of the cities waterfronts will we? No guesses which. They even put a whole lot of fancy statues and stuff around - much more modern then those old, green, worn ones in another city we could name. And tell me - which city won "Best Project award" in the 2001 and 1998 Streetsmart awards for their waterfront upgrades? I'll give you a hint - think South of the equator.

We won't talk about one town that sticks a huge TV and mobile phone aerial in the middle of their city. Geelong puts these sort of eyesores out in places like Highton.

And the decider - when God decided to play football, he didn't join Paris-St. Germain did he?
Dave

P.S. I just checked - you can get a one way flight out tomorrow for €900.00. Do yourself the favour. October 30 2003

The Aussie, the Barmaid and the Wife

Dear Dad and Dave,
Hi, I'm an Australian living in the USA and although not particularly good looking, young or even that bright, I seem to attract women because of my accent and phrases. Problem is - I'm married and I'm pretty sure my wife doesnt want to share.

I try to not place myself in any situations where I can be tempted but, a man doesnt always think with his head and I could get myself into hot water. I have this problem with a barmaid in one of the local Bars. Shes a little blonde thing, quite nice to look at and a little chubby, which is okay becuase I like them built for comfort. And she is about 14 years younger than me. Last time I took my wife into the Bar for a few drinks, this girl came and sat on my knee and gushed "Hey Aussie, where have you been", not even acknowledging my wife was alive, let alone sitting opposite me. A lot of my mates drink down that Bar and I dont want to stop going there, but what am I to do?

Please help me.

Farnsey.

Dear Farnsey
Geez mate, if you dont want the Barmaid and shes into ugly, old Aussies... pass her on to old Dad here!!

Seriously, I know what you are going through. It matters not what age us Aussie males are, even an ugly, old married one has to be better than hooking up with some baccy chewin Redneck!

As I see it, you have a few options :-

1. Get yourself a bunch of new mates that drink elsewhere.
2. Tell her you have some horrible desease of the groinular region.
3. Ask the Missus if she's interested in a threesome!

Hope that helps.
Dad
Dad

Dear Farnsey,
Firstly, congratulations on attracting the local talent. Even though it is strictly hands off, (or perhaps handpass if Dave is around) a little bit of female interest in oneself never hurt the old ego.

Secondly, I'd advise you to stop taking your wife to Hooters - even if your friends drink there. And if you keep on taking the wife there, maybe next time the blonde barmaid comes up to you, with a line like "Hey Aussie, where you been", respond with a line like "Spending some time with the trouble and strife - that is wife in your lingo". Follow this up with an introduction between the barmaid and the strife, and make sure you call her your lovely wife, the gorgeous Deborah. With that sort of subtlety, even a blonde Yank barmaid might get the hint.

If all else fails, I'd recommend lowering the tip. She might be attracted to your handsome, rough, not so young Australian body and brain, but when you get scummy with the tip, she will forget you quicker than my 100 year old grandma forgets the day of the week.
Dave

October 28 2003

Pom Wants a "Sheila" ... NOW!

Dear Dad and Dave,
I am a member of aussies abroad and I live in Golders Green (London).
I see you are new to this here thingo. Hope you can help.

I need to emigrate to Australia. I am a Londoner and proud of it. But various reasons make escape to the old penal colony a necessity. So I thought I would rent a room with an aussie sheila and then get a work visa to Australia on the strength of a long-term relationship. All went well. The Sheila (Norelle she says sometimes, othertimes Joke Joyce) is a cool chick. I actually like her though she's a bit rough in the cot.

Then a spanner thumped into the works and I fell in love with a London gal born and bread like meself.

She says I am immoral. No question about that but what am I to do.

The old bailey is not my cuppa.

Thanks mates
Eastender

Dear Eastender,
Let me get this right.

You want to emigrate to the greatest country on Earth and as a means of getting there, are leaping on an Aussie sheilas bones. Then on top of that you have fallen in love with some Limey bit who knows what is going on and isn't happy about it.

Okay mate, you are a bit of a mongrel, firstly for taking advantage of poor old Norelle just to get to Oz and secondly, for being dopey enough to fall in love with a Pom!

Geez, even the first Poms to emigrate weren't as low as you mate. They only knocked off some poor buggers stale bread because the local Royalty was knobbling them with taxes and they were starving!

Here is what you need to do. Be straight up front with Norelle and after she has decked you, pick yourself up, crawl back to your Limey bit. Hang a large poster of the Gold Coast on your wall and ponder what might have been had you not been such a mongrel!

Hope this helps.
Dad

Eastender,
Looks like we are in a bit of a pickle. And as I'm sure your mother reminded you when growing up - You can't have the cake and eat it too.

Firstly, the two woman thing. It is a low act. Lower than Lake Erye actually. As I am sure you realise, it starts getting ugly when you can't work out if you should be calling out for Sharon or Norelle.

Now, as I'm sure you are aware, you do have the option of voluntarily emigrating to Australia. You might not be able to do it for 10 quid, but instead you need these new fangled points thingies. Word of advice for you when you fill in the form. Cockney is not a language that will get you an extra 10 points.

Now, if you do fail, you can always try and get the new lerve of your life to apply as well. You get two chances that way. Mind you, if she is a Chatham girl, just remind her that her the value of her "gold" earrings and toe rings probably won't qualify her for an extra 10 points if she deposits them for 10 years in government bonds.

And look, if Londal gal lerve and Oz embassy point thingies do fail, one can head to your average Walkabout, the Church, or Bar OZ and see what other great Shelias you can meet with a view to sliding on her coat tails into Gods own.

Dave
October 21 2003